Ready for Change

With my clients’ permission, I occasionally share stories from our coaching sessions (names and identifying information have been changed).

Image: Sam Ely and Lynn Harris, Unrealised Potential stamp, 2010

E. said he wanted coaching on procrastination. First, I got curious and asked what procrastination looks like for him. He talked about what he does and doesn’t do when he procrastinates.

I wondered what it would be like for E. if he didn’t procrastinate. He started describing what he would do, and how he would get it done, and how he would meet deadlines.

E. was starting to paint the picture of what he wanted in his life, but I didn’t have a sense yet of what made this important. So I asked, “What’s important to you about this?”

As E. answered, I heard one of those big, lightbulb, heart-stopping phrases come out of his mouth:

“I could actualize my potential.”

Wowzer, I thought! We’re not just talking about getting things done. We’re talking about this beautiful human being’s ability to realize his potential!

I echoed that back to him, telling E. that I was really appreciating the bigness of what he was speaking about. I had a sense that he was feeling the bigness too, so I checked that out: “How does it feel for you when you start talking about actualizing your potential?”

E. answered that indeed, he was feeling the bigness of it. I imagined he could feel it even more, though, and what I wanted for him was to get a taste of what he was describing, the person he would be without procrastination.

I invited him to choose a spot in the room that would represent “the land of realizing potential”. He chose the spot, and then together we moved there. We stood there, sinking into the feeling of “realizing my potential.” When I thought he was really feeling it, I asked, “What’s possible here?”

A huge smile broke out on E.’s face as he said, “What’s possible? Well. . . anything! What couldn’t I do from here?”

I could see he was experiencing the possibility, and I wanted him to get even more tangible and specific. “What might you do?” I asked.

E. started naming things he would do in his land of realizing potential. He named the things he would have time to do once he got over his procrastination tendency. He pointed out that he would have more time for his personal projects, the things he really wanted to do.

When I could see his excitement at what he could accomplish, I knew we had tapped into the vision – we had touched on what was really important to him about being able to address his procrastination. So it was time to turn back to where we had started.

From where we were standing, I asked him to look back at the chair he had left. “Over there,” I said, “sits E., a great guy who’s struggling with procrastination. As you stand here, realizing your potential, and look back at E., what’s your advice for him?”

“I guess what he doesn’t get is that just because he doesn’t want to do something doesn’t mean he should put it off, because it’s not just about doing that one thing. . . doing that one thing affects so many other things he’ll be able to do.”

“Almost like he’s not looking at the big picture?” I asked.

“Yeah! E., see the big picture!” E. said.

From there, E. and I started drafting what it would tangibly look like to take a “big picture” approach, and how he could start putting it into place, starting with spending time later that day taking on something he’d been putting off.

P.S. For all you coach geeks out there, some of the coaching skills I was using in this conversation were:

• Curiosity: Exploring what “procrastination” looked like for E.
• The Big-A Agenda: The little-a agenda – the topic-of-the-moment, as it were – was procrastination. But procrastination was a piece of something much bigger for E. – his Big-A Agenda was self-realization, or actualizing his potential.
• Fulfillment coaching: In Fulfillment coaching (one of three coaching principles taught in the Co-Active coaching approach), we spend a majority of the time painting the picture of What-It-Would-Be-Like if the client achieved his/her goal. From this place of fulfillment, identifying, choosing, and committing to an action comes easily.
• Articulating what’s going on: I took time to articulate to E. that I was appreciating the “bigness” of what he was talking about, and took time to get him to articulate what he was experiencing as he spoke about it too.
• Geography: I used physical movement to get E. to explore a different “geography”. When he physically stepped into “the land of realizing potential”, he got a visceral sense of what it could be like, and what it was he was aiming for.

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With my clients’ permission, I occasionally share stories from our coaching sessions (names and identifying information have been changed).

A. sent me an email before our coaching session and listed a number of things that she’d done during the week, including an amazing race she’d run, a successful team meeting at work, and taking time out from a busy day to spend some time recharging with friends on a patio.

All of these fantastic celebrations were overshadowed, however, by a difficult situation she was facing with a supervisor. As our call began, A. was about to skip over all the good stuff and dive into the challenging stuff, but I interrupted.

“Hang on! Look at all these things you have to celebrate!” I said.

“Hmmm, I guess so. . .” A. replied. “Actually, it was a pretty great week.”

“What I’m seeing,” I said, “is that even in the midst of a stressful situation at work, a situation that’s taking up a lot of your energy and causing you pain, you were still able to accomplish so much and enjoy so much in your week. That’s really something to celebrate.”

After we’d celebrated, we delved into the work situation to do some coaching around that.

Later the same day, I received this email from A.:

“Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to celebrate. . . I really didn’t take the time to consider what I’ve done recently, or to look at it as anything more than regular. It felt really good to have that validation. I’ve really been in need of that. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until you stopped this morning and acknowledged it.”

P.S. For all you coach geeks out there, some of the coaching skills I was using in this conversation were:

• intruding – yes, I cut my client off to make a point.
• acknowledging – I acknowledged her ability to accomplish a lot and enjoy herself even in the midst of a sticky situation.
• celebrating – I was inviting my client to take some time to celebrate herself and what she’d done, and I was celebrating with her.

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Every Thursday, Ask Laura answers a question from readers. Got a question? You can submit it here.

Dear Laura,

Sometimes I feel like the whole world’s against me and no one’s on my side. How can I get some support?

-Looking for Somebody to Lean On

Dear Looking,

Ah, I know the feeling. For me, it’s like being crammed into a dark corner, and I raise my fists up in defensiveness. What is it like for you?

I love that you’ve recognized your need for support. Once you’ve reached out and received some support, the feeling that no one is on your side will start fading. Before exploring support, though, I want to ask a bit about “the whole world” being against you.

Is it true?

That’s one of my favourite Byron Katie questions. Whenever we notice ourselves framing things in absolutes (“the whole world’s against me”, “no one’s on my side”), it’s a clue that our thinking has taken a field trip into a world of fixed, unchangeable, absolutist beliefs. So I invite you to slow down and ask yourself, “Is it true?”

Perhaps you can think of someone who isn’t against you: maybe it’s the grocery cashier who helped pack your bags, or the bus driver who stopped to let you off, or someone who gave you a hug when you got home. In any way, little or big, can you find examples from this week of people who weren’t against you?

I know you can. And as you find those examples, your mind will start loosening its grip on the belief that it’s you against the world. And once that belief has been loosened up just a little, you can open up to exploring support.

What does support look like to you?

Support looks different to different people. What’s the type of support you need?

Some people, I’ve learned, feel supported when someone checks in with them regularly to ask how they are. Some people feel supported when they take “me-time” and go to a yoga class, or listen to music, or take a walk. Some people feel supported when they have a list of four great people on their babysitting roster.

What’s the type of support you’re yearning for?

Jot down (or doodle!) what support looks like for you.

• How does it feel when you’re supported?
• What do you notice around you?
• What do you believe when you’re supported?
• What can you count on when you’re supported?
• What changes for you when you get support?

Get Specific

I invite you to list five to ten things that would help you feel supported.

• Try to make these things tangible (e.g. “Jane takes out the garbage”) rather than abstract (“Jane helps out more around the house”).
• And try to make these things statements of what you want to have happen (e.g. “Joe makes dinner on Monday”) rather than naming what you want to stop/change (e.g. “Joe stops eating all the leftovers I was going to use for my lunches this week” — that explains what you want to have stop, but not what you want to have happen instead).

Ask

I think it’s a tragedy that sometimes the people closest to us miss out on supporting us, because they don’t understand what support looks like for us. Often, they don’t understand because we’re unclear on it ourselves, or we’ve never taken the time to tell them what we need.

Do the people close to you know about your personal definition of support? Do they know you’re needing support right now?

I invite you to make the ask. I invite you to step forward, knowing what it is you need and want, and to make a specific request from someone near you for their support.

If this idea feels too daunting right now, start with something that doesn’t feel intimidating or overwhelming for you. For example, get the physical sensation of support by sitting with your back leaning against a wall, or feel supported lying in a hot bath or floating in a swimming pool. Ask someone to give you a call this week just to ask how you are. Tell someone, “I know I need support, but I’m scared / uncomfortable / reluctant / worried about asking for it.” As you make yourself vulnerable in this way, the people you’re reaching out to will see your sincere need for support, and see that you are inviting them in to help you.

It’s beautiful that you’re asking for their help. It’s beautiful that you are opening up to your honest, human, moving need: to feel supported. It’s my wish that as you learn what support you need, and how to reach out for it, that you become a role model to others around you who feel the same way.

Warmly,

Laura

Every Thursday, Ask Laura answers a question from readers. Got a question? You can submit it here. 

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Things around the interweb that I’d like to share with you:

• Chris Corrigan explores What It’s Like to Make Change: “Social change is not easy.  Asking for it to be made easy is not fair.  Leadership in this field needs to be able to host all of these emotional states, and to help people hold each other through very trying times.”
• Karen Kimsey-House of the Coaches Training Institute writes on Failure: “In my experience, there are two things that are guaranteed to kill aliveness, authenticity, creativity and innovation: Looking good and Getting it right.”
• Elisha Goldstein, at the Mindfulness and Psychotherapy blog, delves into How Do We Get In Our Own Way: “[M]any of us are afraid of our own light. Something in us heavily guards against it, saying, ‘I can’t do that,’ or ‘I’m no good at this,’ or ‘That’s not important.’”
• Danette Relic of Radical Creative Sanctuary visits Roots of She with an ode to Sensual Self-Care: “I imagine the woman I know I can be when I feel loved, cared for, and empowered for taking wonderful care of myself… When I treat myself with sensual care, my mind is clear, my heart is open and my bones feel alive. I am a better friend, lover, coach and a more generous spirit.”

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What dream do you want to share with the world?

Sometimes in coaching, people get a chance for the first time to say out loud a dream that they’ve been holding close to their heart. A dream that has been too precious and vulnerable to share with the world before. A dream that they’re scared might get mocked, or damaged, or criticized. (Danette Relic has a beautiful post about this, Precious Beginnings — “when a creative dream is just poking through the surface of consciousness it can feel so tender”).

When they have the safe space of coaching, this dream comes out. They hear themselves say out loud, “I want to run my own company.” “I want to go back to school.” “I want to have a child.” “I want to get married.” “I want to run for political office.” “I want to change a government policy.”

For me, it was a chance to say that I want to serve as a guide, a teacher, and a listener as people make sense of their experiences and stretch towards growth.

What dream do you want to share?

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Through coaching and therapy, I help smart people to live from their hearts. If you’d like to get a taste of what this might mean for you, I invite you to get in touch. 

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What are you avoiding?

Noticing what we are avoiding can clue us in to our values

(What value are you honouring by avoiding [x]? What value would you be honouring if you paid attention to [x]?)

and show us where we need to grow

(“I could accept — rather than avoid — [x] if I grew in this way…”).

*

Coaches don’t just cheerlead and say warm positive fuzzy things. Oh no. We ask tough questions too. Questions such as, “What are you avoiding?”

If tough questions rock your world, get in touch so that you and I can ask and answer tough questions together. 

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Every Thursday, Ask Laura answers a question from readers. Got a question? You can submit it here.

I’ve been asked to revisit the March 24 post on overwhelm, When It’s All Too Much. In that post, I focused on how to explore your tendencies and then experiment with new approaches to overwhelm. This week, another tool I’ve found useful: the overwhelm spectrum.

The Overwhelm Spectrum

Imagine one end of the overwhelm spectrum: thinking about the day to come, and feeling complete overwhelm.

Here’s what that might look like for me: the dishes are piled up, the laundry isn’t done, I haven’t been able to focus at work in a week, I’m still getting over a cold, my niece/spouse/housemate/colleague is angry at me, exercise is but a dim memory, and the gremlins (“What do you know, anyway?”; “You’ll never succeed at x,”; “No one cares what you have to say!”) show up.

Now imagine the opposite end of the spectrum:

Ahhhhhhh…

I see a sunny day, a light breeze, popsicles, relaxation, ease, all the time in the world.

Now, back to the first end of the spectrum and… ack! Even thinking about the warm sunny day is overwhelming to me right now, because it feels so far away and impossible!

And that, I think, is where we often get stuck.

The Overwhelm Ladder and the Deep Dark Hole

From the place of complete overwhelm, getting to the warm sunny day feels like a gruelling climb out from the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and I’ve got no energy for it.

So, the trick is to map out my overwhelm spectrum, with attention to all the points in between both ends.

If I’m too overwhelmed to climb all the way out of the deep dark hole to the warm sunny day, okay. But what if I could climb just one rung up the ladder?

What’s one rung up from complete overwhelm?

For me, it might be exactly the same scenario as overwhelm, except I feel less exhausted. (What would it be for you?)

So instead of trying to get myself entirely out of the overwhelm hole, I’ll do what I need to do to get one rung up – I’ll take a nap.

Maybe the next day I’ll think: What’s one more rung up the ladder? 

My next rung might be: completely overwhelmed, but I’m less exhausted, and I was able to focus for one hour. (What would it be for you?)

And so on… you get the picture.

When you’re completely overwhelmed, thinking about how to get out of overwhelm is… overwhelming. But thinking about how to feel one small ladder step less overwhelmed is manageable.

Start there, and see where it takes you.

Warmly,

Laura

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What do you not know?

“Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.” – Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart.

Is there something that you have been calling “good” or “bad”? What if you surrendered your perspective, and stayed in the place of not knowing?

*

One coaching tool I love is the Balance coaching skill of exploring perspectives. If you’re feeling stuck somewhere and would like to experiment with looking at it from new angles, get in touch to see how coaching could help you do that. 

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Things around the interweb that I’d like to share with you:

• Tanya Geisler on how to bust through patterns: Patterns, Patterns Everywhere
• Terri Cole on choosing less constriction in your life — “What makes up the quality of your life is your daily existence, not only the peak experiences or significant epiphanies”: Flip Over and Float
• Elisha Goldstein, at the Mindfulness and Psychotherapy blog, on three simple words that allow us to drop into the present moment: A Phrase to Change Your Day: Jon Kabat-Zinn
• Danette Relic of Radical Creative Sanctuary visits Roots of She with a post about how the superpower of metaphor helped her clear up a big messy conflict with someone she loves: J’adore le Metaphor
• The talented, mindful, and political Feel Good Food activist, Emily Van Halem, points out what we’re losing when we eat food we can’t identify: Emily’s Whole Foods Rant

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Every Thursday, Ask Laura answers a question from readers. Got a question? You can submit it here.

Dear Laura,

I did well in school and I have a good job, but I still struggle with confidence and low self-esteem. How do I build up confidence?

-Not So Sure of Myself

Dear Not So Sure,

First off, I want to let you know that you’re not the only one wrestling with confidence. It’s one of the most frequent things I hear in my coaching practice, often from people who seem so outwardly successful, yet who struggle with low confidence on the inside. Sometimes I wonder what it is that causes people to put on a front of confidence when inside, I’m learning, so many of us are vulnerable and uncertain. (There’s an idea: what if you embraced your vulnerability and uncertainty instead of fighting for confidence? Something to explore…)

So, what do you mean by confidence?

I’ve learned that each individual has their own particular brand of confidence, their own personal definition.

What’s yours?

Take some time to explore it.

If you were confident:

• How would you talk?
• How would you stand?
• What would you wear?
• Where would you live?
• Who would you surround yourself with?
• What would your voice sound like?
• What would someone else notice about you?
• How would someone else describe you?

What builds confidence for you?

I invite you to survey different aspects of your life: different roles you have, different hobbies, different work you do. In which do you feel most confident?

Got one? Great.

Now think about how you came to build confidence in that area. What did it take? This example can be a clue to your personal method of building confidence.

When I look at confidence in my life, I notice that my tendency is to think that I’ll be confident when I know enough, so I try to build confidence by studying. But the evidence holds up that it’s not studying that builds my confidence: the true source of confidence for me is doing.

Check to see if you might be trying to build confidence in ways that aren’t actually supporting your confidence. What might you try instead?

Confidence through integration

I have only a few decades of life experience, but I’m fairly sure of this:

Confidence does not come from our grades at school.

Confidence does not come from our job.

It does not come from what we accomplish or achieve.

Confidence has its roots deep within an integration between our minds, our body, and our heart. When these three are in harmony, a beautiful sureness of self emerges.

Do you find yourself living in your head and ignoring your heart? Wrapped up in feelings and leaving your mind out in the cold? Pushing yourself intellectually and neglecting your physicality? Any of these may be symptoms of a lack of integration between your mind, body, and heart. Rather than seeking “confidence”, I invite you to consider seeking how to integrate these three elements, and gently observe the effects.

Warmly,

Laura

Every Thursday, Ask Laura answers a question from readers. Got a question? You can submit it here. 

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