Words Matter

This message has been hitting me from all corners – in my therapist training, in my coaching, and in my personal life.

Words matter.

The way I use language is a crucial indicator of how I am relating to my feelings.

By saying this statement using an “I-statement”, I am taking ownership for my beliefs and my feelings.

The way you use language is a crucial indicator of how you are relating to your feelings.

By writing this in the second person, I am labelling you with something that is true for me. It may or may not be true for you. And I am distancing myself from owning my own beliefs and feelings.

My example above is innocuous, so let’s play with one let’s a little more spicy.

When I disagree with someone, I feel tense, anxious, and uncomfortable.

I am taking ownership of my actions (disagreeing) and my reactions (feeling tense, anxious, and uncomfortable).

When you disagree with someone, you feel tense, anxious, and uncomfortable.

I hear people speak in the second person frequently. I imagine they mean “when one disagrees with someone”, but instead they say it in the second person, “when you disagree with someone.” And I imagine that the actual truth is not about their belief about what “one” does, but the truth for themselves. The person saying this is conveying that when he/she disagrees with someone, he/she feels tense, anxious, and uncomfortable. But instead they say “you”, when a quick poll would tell you that for many “you”s, this is not the truth – other people may get excited and energized by disagreement, may feel intrigued and curious, may feel ready to fight… a myriad of reactions.

When I describe my feelings in the second person (“you”), not only am I distancing myself from my own feelings and refusing to own them, but I am also assuming that what is true for me is true for others. I’ve been trying for a long time to be more aware of how I speak about my feelings. To not say, “You know when you get tired and you feel overwhelmed?” and instead say, “When I get tired, I feel overwhelmed.” To not say, “It hurts”, or “It makes me sad”, but to say, “I hurt”, and “I feel sad.” These small changes in language are making me more aware of what I believe and feel, more aware of what I assume without questioning, and bringing me into more direct relationship with what I am experiencing.

If you’d like to read more on language, I recommend:

-Pretty much everything from The Center for Nonviolent Communication, and particularly the book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life (I found it at my local library, and eventually bought my own copy)

-On “I-statements”: here and here and here

-Gestalt Processes and Language 

Like what you’re reading? There’s more where that came from!
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